How many ways are there to remember? I'm not sure whether the word remember
is better called a voluntary verb or involuntary. But whether
voluntary, when you mean making sure to engrave something into your
stock of memory, or involuntary, when you mean the trace of the past
left with you becoming part of you whether you like or not. Often, that
something appears to us in the form of a story with narration or a
static scene, I think. There are characters, landscapes, dialogues, and
then certain feelings are recalled, which are often merely by the names
because the passage of time generate the distance distorting them. There
may be a frequent pattern of telling a past story: "My best friend
moved away with her parents. I was so sad", "our team won the first
place. I was so proud", "they pushed me to speak in front of the whole
group of people. I was so nervous", "she killed herself. I was so
confused",etc. I tend to "remember" the facts and then the feeling, the
labelled feeling, and I've said to myself that perhaps this is the way I
was supposed to remember. However, recently I've discovered that the
past did not come to me only like that, under my control. Yes, I thought
"remember" is doing inventory, sorting out items, and even with the
unwanted articles, one can always shelf, arrange and count them to have a
clear idea about what, where and how many, but there is a different
kind of bringing back the past I did not realize, which is not
monitored. It will hit you unexpectedly. One moment I am totally
absorbed in a novel, or exhausted from the job which I cannot wait to
finish and go home, or taking a walk with friends in the sun, talking
and laughing, the next minute, it attacks me, giving me a chill running
from the head to the toes. The flash, but the cold flash, getting my
brain burned and my stomach twisted. At a moment I feel whatever the
substance that makes my is melt and sucked out of me, my knees weak, my
back going into a spasm, feeling nauseated and as if I'd fall over,
which is nevertheless a feeling, and I never actually fall. In fact, it
is rather a combined sensation than feeling. The triggers are various, a
sound, a word, or sometimes it just jumps in without any obvious hints
from the outside. I may be confused about sets off the alarm but
whenever I get this sensation, I know why, that is when I remember. A
memory I cannot call good or bad, or even want to call it memory. It is
something too intense, having tested my potential capacity to feel as a
human being, but too intense means demanding too much energy, which
cannot last long. It may have more positive influence than negative to
me overall but being reminded of that is still too much to take, ending
draining my energy and messing up with my mind, so I have learned to
stop it at the gateway. I do not intentionally bring that chapter of my
life, so sometimes I forget I remember it, and it is until that fainting
sensation hits me that I know how strong it is and how remembering can
be uncontrollable.
