void: /void/noun
1.a completely empty space:
- an emptiness caused by the loss of something.
- an unfilled space in a wall, building, or structure.
2. (in bridge and whist) a suit in which a player is dealt no cards.
launcher: /ˈlɔːn.tʃəʳ/ noun (often in compounds) a device that is used to send a rocket, a MISSILE, etc. into the sky: a rocket launcher.
Perhaps the fifth day of every October is a better occasion to write this post, but today is the day when on my way, I was able to connect the small points into a continuous line orientated in one direction and the seemingly scattered images into one picture. They are all related. The inside and outside, the past and envisaged future, and all the between's. What I was after, what I've been after and what I seem to have decided to go after...it's been the same thing. I am finally able to identify it, giving it a name, and the reason is the void. The void in two senses. The space reserved for any kind of belief in my is unoccupied, or occupied by disbelief, which I fully embrace, but now I've come into the realization that this void is not completely empty, or it keeps searching to be filled with something else, which is why the ones resembling priests preaching keep me fascinated to whom I've been looking up, but instead of the bullshits, they are saying the things intriguing my mind. They are like launchers, preparing me for the flight, which is why I feel free with them, and hopeful. The launcher may stay there, but they push you to go higher and in their force you can feel the silent loudness of their wilderness hidden behind a static appearance of posture. And they can feel my urge and agitation and the potential violent untamed desire to be launched. And there is another kind of void which is even more personal, left by the dramatic (that I only heard but haven't been able to conceive) departure of the occupier, so unlike the first kind which has kept its state of emptiness right from the beginning, this vacuum was once occupied, and unlike the first one, I cannot locate it or to clarify the characteristics of it, which I think to be emotional in general but to which I sense much more. Whatever it is, the feeling of lacking in there is certain, so since the departure of the first, I have perhaps been keeping searching the liaison I once had had with her in all the ones playing the similar role that I've met, whether consciously or unconsciously, and it has been proved that the shapes of our relations are rare, sometimes beyond understanding. Now I know what I see and what I've been wanting for all this time, and most importantly, I now know why, which asks so many questions - the one to 'whether I will be able to get rid of that shadow' is ' I don't even need to because the shadow has shaped me and it will eventually change into something else.' I feel lucky, because all the trouble I saw once is actually what has pushed me into experiencing a territory that not everyone can have access to.The confusion and stubbornness are what has opened up the world about the existence of which I've been questioning, though lingering outside the door. I think I've finally recognized it.
