Passive

Having considered gaining the full control of myself one of the ultimate but probably unattainable goal, I've concluded categorically that I will never enjoy being in the passive position in any matters, and feeling helpless is never pleasant. Even from time to time I appear to have a quite detached, indifference and inactive attitude, I can be viciously passive aggressive with the strong presence of consciousness and controlling will over myself. However, a certain occasion has got me to think more about the opinion I formed - isn't there any chance that I could feel good having no control of myself and have I ever felt comfortable relinquishing the power? Yes, I have to say. When I had my two wisdom teeth removed because of the infections they kept causing, I remember clearly the two small operations were set two days apart and after the first one I was actually looking forward to going back to see my dentist, which I suppose a lot of people wouldn't be. It was not because I had confidence in my dentist's expertise, but because I secretly enjoyed the feeling lying there, facing the sharp tools forced and the frightening imagination that at any moment they could slip off their hands and accidentally cut my tongue or lips or palate or break the healthy teeth; they could deform, distort and disfigure my mouth and my face. Yes, the thought terrified me but somehow I was willing to stay still (the drug was only injected to anaesthetize a part inside the mouth not the whole body). So it was the feeling of giving up, of not being in charge of myself or the outcome, of waiting helplessly for whatever was going to happen to me. It was similar to the feeling, before an important event for which you have exhausted yourself to prepare but still feel not enough, of knowing during the last minutes there is nothing much you can do in your power but wait, seeing the every second passing by without your intervention whatsoever. So I guess there need to be some modification to my last conclusion, and there seems to be certain passive positions I'd enjoyed.